


Beholding and Being Held

by probsnothawkeye



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, No beta we kayak like Tim, Post canon, Self-Doubt, They're In Love Your Honor, Valentines adjacent, but it ended up being less valentines-y than i planned, i wrote this for valentines day, soft jon and even softer martin, technically a fixit? of sorts?, the world is back to normal and everything is fine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:34:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29429613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/probsnothawkeye/pseuds/probsnothawkeye
Summary: All Jon wanted was to be able to show Martin how much he loved him, how much he cared. He was looking through the flowers when a voice entered his mind, “Carnations are his favorite.”“I knew that,” Jon mumbled to himself, but the seed of doubt was already planted. Did he know that? Or did he Know it? Jon shook his head, trying to rid himself of the thought. He knew his boyfriend. He didn’t need an eldritch entity to tell him that.But it kept happening.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 9
Kudos: 76





	Beholding and Being Held

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello!  
> Happy valentines day everyone!  
> This started as my desire to write something for valentines day but then turned into "i've been meaning to write some cuddles and a bit of angst and oh shit i forgot to make this valentines-ish"  
> My bad  
> I've just been yearning for cuddles lately and projected my personal yearning onto jmart, as one does.  
> Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy!

It was strange how quickly the world could adapt to being back to normal.

For many, it seemed easier to just pretend the events of the apocalypse just didn’t happen. Most were happy to write it off as a dream, some kind of shared delusion that was never brought up in proper conversation. Life was able to return to some semblance of normalcy due to the sheer force of will of people not wanting to discuss it.

That wasn’t the case for one Jonathan Sims, former head archivist of the Magnus Institute, London. Jon knew what happened, he Knew what happened, and it was something he would live with for the rest of his life. The guilt, the fear, the Knowing. Even with the Eye being defeated and the entities being forced back, Jon still Knew. He couldn’t help it. 

He knew as well as Knew that it was Valentine’s Day. Part of him couldn’t believe that the commercialized holiday commodifying love could come back in full swing after the end of the world, but in many ways it made sense. People wanted an excuse to shower those around them with love, and who was Jon to complain about that. He wanted that for himself as well, walking through the aisles at Tesco looking for ingredients to make a special dinner for himself and Martin. 

Martin, his anchor, his companion through the apocalypse, his love. All Jon wanted was to be able to show Martin how much he loved him, how much he cared. He was looking through the flowers when a voice entered his mind, “ _ Carnations are his favorite. _ ”

“I knew that,” Jon mumbled to himself, but the seed of doubt was already planted. Did he know that? Or did he Know it? Jon shook his head, trying to rid himself of the thought. He knew his boyfriend. He didn’t need an eldritch entity to tell him that. 

But it kept happening. 

Every time Jon gazed upon something he wanted to do or get for Martin, the Eye whispered in his mind which Martin would like best. Jon couldn’t tell which thoughts of Martin were his own and which belonged to Beholding. Even as he made his way back to the flat the two of them shared together after everything, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he didn’t actually  _ know _ Martin after everything. He only Knew. 

Martin returned home from work as Jon was cooking, greeting his boyfriend with a wide smile and a soft look of awe seeing the table laid out so properly. “Jon, what’s all this?”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, love,” Jon said, pulling Martin into a tight hug. Martin's arms were warm and safe, encompassing Jon and making him feel loved. “Wanted to do something special.”

“Never would’ve thought you were the type for all of this,” Martin said teasingly. “Seems more like you’d be firmly on the ‘It’s just an excuse for excess consumerism, Martin. It’s all a capitalistic sham!’” Martin couldn’t keep from giggling as he tried to impersonate his boyfriend, causing laughter to bubble up in Jon’s chest as well. 

“After everything we’ve been through, we deserve a day to just… love unreservedly.” 

“Oh,” Martin gasped. His face was open, honest.  _ He’s surprised by you. _ Jon couldn’t tell if the thought was his or the Eye’s. He must have stiffened, as the reverent look on Martin’s face shifted to concern. “Jon? Are you okay?”

“Fine, fine,” Jon said, waving him off and gesturing to the pans on the stove. “Dinner should be done now. Why don’t we eat?”

They sat across from each other at their small kitchen table, legs brushing against each other underneath it. Martin told Jon all about his day at the library “You should’ve seen how excited those kids were to decorate valentines, Jon! It was adorable!” and Jon filled Martin in on his lesson plans for the following week “I just think we should stop teaching some of these books. I mean, the amount of homophobia alone in some of these…” The conversation was light, happy. Something that they had fought so hard to be able to have conversations be again. 

And still, that doubt lingered in the back of Jon’s mind. How much of what he knew about Martin and his time at work came from Martin himself and not from Beholding, still trying to dig its claws into Jon’s brain? 

They were doing dishes together, side by side as they always did, when Jon suddenly fell silent, the thoughts in his head finally becoming too much for him. He didn’t even notice the tap turn off until Martin was removing the plate from his hands. “Jon. What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” Jon said, not wanting to worry Martin, or worse, to cause Martin to believe Jon didn’t care. He had worked so hard to create a proper Valentine’s Day for the two of them, he couldn’t let this doubt infect Martin as well.

“Jon,” Martin sighed, taking Jon’s face in his hands and directing his gaze to meet Martin’s. “I know you, Jon. And I know what you’re like when you’re upset. Will you tell me what’s wrong, please? Or at least stop lying to me by saying that there’s nothing wrong?”

Jon could hear Martin speaking, but his brain was stuck in a loop  _ I know you, I know you, I know you, I know you. _ “Do I know you, Martin?”

Martin’s hand fell from Jon’s face, and he stepped back as if he had been struck. “What?”

Jon’s mind snapped back into the moment in a panic. “No! Not… that… That came out wrong.”

“What right way could that have come out, Jon?” Martin asked, hurt and anger causing his voice to sharpen, stabbing into Jon’s chest. “What do you mean ‘do I know you Martin’? Of course you know me!”

“I…” Jon shrank back, his word getting stuck in his throat. When he found his voice again, it was soft and broken, repeating, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

This seemed to bring Martin back from his anger, his face turning to concern as he looked at Jon. “No, hey, Jon, it’s okay. I didn’t mean to yell. Can… Can I touch you?”

Jon didn’t give an answer, choosing instead to launch himself into Martin’s arms, tears starting to dampen Martin’s shoulder. “I’m worried that I don’t know you, I only  _ Know _ you. Everything I did today, Beholding was whispering into my ear and what if the only reason I know anything about you is because of the Eye? What if I don’t even know my own boyfriend, I only know what some eldritch horror has told me? What if-” Martin squeezed Jon, cutting him off in his tracks. Jon could feel Martin’s tears falling onto his skin, causing Jon to cry harder. “God, I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?”

“You haven’t ruined anything, Jon,” Martin whispered fiercely. He pulled back from Jon, taking his hand and guiding them both towards their bedroom. “I… Can I just hold you, for a little bit? And when we’re both calmed down I can explain why you’re wrong?” Jon nodded mutely, allowing himself to be guided onto the bed and under the covers.

Martin was a much larger man than Jon was, and in many ways Jon preferred that. He was soft, warm, perfect for hugs and for cuddling. Jon had been so touch starved for so many years, but Martin’s gentle warmth and soft touches melted away that feeling. Even now, as Martin took Jon gently in his arms, holding him like he was something to be treasured, Jon couldn’t help but relax. 

They laid facing each other, legs tangled together and Martin’s arm thrown protectively over Jon’s waist. Jon’s hands gravitated to Martin’s chest, feeling his steady heartbeat beneath his jumper. Overwhelmed by emotion, Jon buried his face in Martin’s chest, feeling his boyfriend stroke his back gently, whispering soft reassurances that everything was okay. 

After a little while, Martin finally spoke up. “You were wrong before, you know.”

“Was I?”

“You know me Jon. I promise you do,” Martin said softly, still allowing his hand to trace lines over Jon’s back. “Sure, Beholding might be able to tell you my favorite food or what I like to do for Valentine’s Day. But it can’t tell you how I feel in your arms. It can’t tell you how my heart beats or how it feels to hold my hand. It can tell you things it thinks are important about me, but it can’t tell you how you feel. It can’t tell you how I feel.

“It doesn’t matter to me whether you know my favorite flower or if you Know it. How you got the information doesn’t matter as much as what you do with it. So what if you bought me carnations because the Eye told you to? You bought them because you wanted me to have something special.  _ That matters _ . You did all of this today because you wanted me to have something special. Because you, what was it you said earlier? Ah, because you ‘love unreservedly’. You’re worried you don’t know me because an eldritch bastard told you some information, but what you chose to do with it shows me that you do know me, Jon. You know me and you care. And I love you for it.”

“I love you, too,” Jon said softly, leaning up to gently kiss Martin. “I love you so much more than you could possibly know.”

“More than the Eye could know, too,” Martin teased. Jon laughed, allowing Martin to pull him closer and press a kiss to his head. 

“Yes. More than the Eye could ever know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated but never required. If you enjoyed this, you can find more from me on tumblr (my username is also probsnothawkeye on there!) I'm always open to prompts if you liked my writing! 
> 
> Also a fun fact about this fic! This title popped into my brain and I ran with that. Usually I have an idea and then struggle to title it, but this time I had a title and struggled to idea it. This fic is the result and I'm happy with it!


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